The Biblical Story of Jesus and the Christmas Narwhal

Okay, so maybe there is no biblical story of Jesus and the Christmas Narwhal, but there should be because the undertaking to procure a Christmas Narwhal is of biblical proportions. It all started out one night in Bethlehem. Actually, it all started out one night in Target. That’s not true either. It all started out, as most things in my life do, on the computer.

On a wintery eve in early December right after the cows were milked, the sheep attended to and the kids settled in on their straw mattresses for the night, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when what to my wondering eyes should appear but a vision of the most delightful sparkly creature I’d ever seen.

I was so excited I penned (or typed) a message alerting the masses to my discovery. Here’s what I said: “Guys, I just found out this existed. I MUST have him. He will compliment my lit tinsel Christmas Pig  perfectly. The moment I laid eyes on him I was like, ‘Oh, hells yeah I’m logging onto Target right now and ordering me up a Christmas Narwhal.’ Because nothing says Christmas quite like a decorative tinsel narwhal. But Target refused to sell it to me. Holiday narwhals are no longer available online. They’re only available in stores so naturally I searched all the stores within a 100 mile radius, and none still have narwhals in stock. That makes me sad. I might have to expand my search to 200 miles. Damn straight I will go on a expedition to get me a Christmas Narwhal. But before I hopped in the car and drove all night in search of my beloved sea creature, I did another quick Google search and found the exact narwhal was being sold on Ebay. Only it’s gonna cost me. The vendor jacked up the price. There’s a black market for decorative holiday narwhals, and I just may have to pony up. I need him.”

The Biblical Story of Jesus and the Christmas Narwhal. So maybe biblical isn't the right word but it was a Christmas miracle and the best Xmas gift ever. By @OneFunnyMotha
Look how cute he is!

In truth, there was never a question. I was willing to pay any amount. And so slipping my Visa from my wallet, I turned my attention from Facebook to Ebay, and that’s when my mission took a turn for the worse. I clicked “add to cart,” but nothing happened so I kept clicking and clicking not understanding why the world was against me, and then I realized Ebay was sold out, too. I was bereft. Twice I’d nearly had him in my grasp and twice I’d been thwarted. 

Back on Facebook, a kind and generous soul who shares my passion for lit tinsel animal ornamentation alerted me to a Target in upstate N.Y. that still had a few in stock. I rejoiced. New York was at least close enough to be a possibility.The friend suggested I do a search on Target for only the stores that have narwhals in stock. I rushed over to the site and in a state of panic hastily conducted the search, praying to the good Lord above for a Christmas miracle. The store she’d mentioned popped up at the top of my search as the closest, and I began envisioning my new life with a narwhal. I was about to go collect the Christmas narwhal that was rightfully mine when I learned the Target was about 6 hours away. Once again my hopes were crushed.

Those early days in December were a series of highs and lows for me, but I was certain of one thing. I wouldn’t give up on the Christmas Narwhal. I couldn’t. I had to keep going.

Another fellow narwhal enthusiast provided me with a bit of hope with her suggestion of using Task Rabbit to get someone to pick up the narwhal and ship to me. And just then another idea crept into my brain. When I’d Googled the distance from my house to the Target store, a list of suggested locations to search automatically popped up. By sheer luck the very first suggestion had been Buffalo. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now a light bulb went on. My niece went to school up in Buffalo.

I got on the horn, which today means I got on Facebook messenger to contact her immediately. Here’s how it went down:

And she said:

And then

If you couldn’t read that I said I almost had a heart attack. Don’t do me like that, Target. Then I thanked her for making all of my dreams come true and told her I would allow selfies with the Christmas Narwhal, but I did trust she would handle him with care.
At receiving this news, I took to Facebook to report back to all those who had been following my narwhal journey closely. I knew they were desperately waiting to hear word. Here’s what I had to say:
“In my last post about it, I affirmed I would never give up, and I haven’t. I’ve been plotting and scheming and devising a way I can get my hands on that adorable little guy who would bring so much joy to my life and to the lives of all those who pass by my home. Since I live by a park that’s a considerable amount of people. I’m not just in this for myself. As usual I’m thinking of those less fortunate without narwhals in their lives. I’m literally bringing joy to the world here. 

I’ve contacted a willing family member who shares my appreciation for festive holiday creatures to join me in my mission. As we speak she should be
 securing one of the last remaining narwhals in the contiguous United States. He’s kind of like an endangered species. I’ll soon lay out the whole saga of my initial discovery of the narwhal, my foiled attempts to acquire him and ultimately my triumph when I refused to give up.”
When you MUST have a lit tinsel Christmas narwhal to go with your lit tinsel Christmas Pig
Best friends.
And that’s the story of Jesus and the Christmas Narwhal. I have to believe there was some divine intervention at play in bringing the two of us together. I was being tested in my faith like Job, and when the narwhal showed up on my doorstep last night, I do believe it was something of a Christmas miracle.

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